My story is quite severe, but what is miraculous is that I am still here, after everything looking like there was no hope for me or that my withdrawal would ever end, it certainly went past the point of no return and I was in a very bad way. From what I was reading on all forums there was no cure, and a very good chance I would never return after all the wrong turns I had made, trying to recover, but not knowing the advice I was getting from Drs was not going to help me. There were many attempts to end my life due to the intense suffering that never stopped, this kind of withdrawal is unlike any other, it is neurological and every part of the body is deeply affected.

My story is particularly bad because I was given all the wrong advice, by medical professionals. Which sadly and shockingly I found to be a very common story, my story is one of many.

First of all, a benzodiazepine is a drug that is supposed to be used in a crisis situation, as a one off, there are different strengths, Valium everyone knows, Lorazepam is more potent and short acting, to name a few, there’s Clonazepam, Xanax and Oxazepam. They all work on the Gaba receptors in your brain, your glutanmate, which is everything. They calm you, make you feel all of a sudden so much better, like a temporary calm. Similar to getting relief when you’re in pain. It also greatly affects your amygdala which is part of the core of a neural system that processes fearful and threatening Stimuli. These drugs cause a lot of damage because when used more than once, the body quickly becomes very dependant on it to function, it’s not designed for long term. Often people even when on it start to feel very unwell as the gaba receptors are being unnaturally fired up and over worked by the pill, eventually the body struggles to produce glutanmate in a normal way. Causing a real life horror show and pretty much a chemical war in your mind and body. It can come through in your mind for example, you start to feel not yourself at all, high anxiety or feelings of terror, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, high agitation or you can get physical pain and all sorts of very disturbing aliments. If I had made a list of symptoms, for me it was easily over 100. So that’s the science element put in a simple way. For other medications like antidepressants and antipsychotics that are longer acting, they can be taken long term, however the body can become psychically dependent on the medication, and quick removal such as fast tapering or no taper can cause a jar to our receptors and nervous system. We are all different and some are ok to do a fast taper or to just stop these medications without any problems, some are severely harmed for months to years of their lives. I will say for anyone going through this I truly believe we can all heal, it’s time and getting the right information. 

My history with Lorazepam ended up a total mess due to, like I say, such terrible advice given by Drs. Firstly to be given it to ‘help’ my tinnitus looking back now seems a highly counter intuitive line of treatment, due to the fact these medications can actually cause tinnitus.

So…with a knowing that something wasn’t quite right whilst on the drug, I was getting crazy amounts of anxiety and insomnia as time went on getting worse and worse, I knew I really wanted to come off it. So I just stopped it after 6 months use, it was the Drs advice saying that it was safe to stop in 2 weeks. I was hit hard a few days later with the full withdrawal, not knowing what the hell had hit me, I kindelled, meaning I tried taking it again to stop the withdrawal, Drs advice, this only made me feel way worse. I tried antidepressants ( as everyone thought I had mental health issues ) and was taken off them rapidly due to them making me so much worse, Drs advise. I tried a crossover to Valium as its longer acting, this was also Drs advice to do a straight switch ( you need a gradual crossover.) It went terribly wrong and I ended up being sectioned in Spain at the time due to the horror show of side effects, causing my nervous system to basically set on fire and my behaviour became totally eractic. I got forced huge amounts of drugs in psych wards, to then be ripped off them, Drs advise. I was deserted due to everyone thinking I’d lost my mind, in the most amount of pain you could imagine from the harm caused in my nervous system. Left to somehow deal with it all in the psych wards, that were ( in my experience ) full of abusive staff. From what I experienced on the wards where you are detained and kept in, they are basically prisons, so you get treated like you’re dirt on the floor, you get a huge spectrum of people in there, from a girl who self harms to a serial murderer threatening to kill you. Numerous inhumane things go on in thoughs places, it’s completely unbelievable until you see it yourself. I would cry down the phone, ‘Help me, I’m being abused’ and be met with silence, people just thought I was hallucinating and would say Emma you’re in the best place for you, they’re trying to help you. I would not say the male ‘nurse’ offering to help me with his d##k was someone trying to help me. It’s easy when a patient is deemed ‘crazy’ to get away with abuse, but that’s a whole other story, and something I certainly feel needs to change.

From the point I started the Lorazepam, I did not sleep well as the medication had the opposite effect and caused insomnia, when I came off it completely I did not get even a wink of sleep for months on end. I paced for 24 hours a day, I couldn’t stop moving, this is something the drug withdrawal causes, it’s called akathasia, you just walk back and forth until your feet bleed, with fast thoughts, your entire state is changed. My family stepped away in total disbelief that a pill could do this, and they thought it must be me somehow just making it all up. This wasn’t helped by Drs denying my constant claims that it was in fact the withdrawal causing it all. I had severe everything, suicidal ideation, akathasia, terror, hallucinations, the feeling I was being crushed by the universe, I stopped eating or drinking. For 2 weeks I had nothing, by this point I was 5 stone on my last legs, fully in another reality, very close to death, incredibly harmed by the pile of drugs being forced on me in wards. Again due to the benzo withdrawal being totally dismissed and it blamed on my own mental health I was heavily medicated and misdiagnosed. When in withdrawal your nervous system is basically fried, other drugs just add fuel to the fire of a very frazzled nervous system. So all in all I was put in three psych wards in the space of 6 months, and at one point being soo close to death, thankfully I was rehydrated at this point, but then not so thankfully pumped full of antipsychotics. And that’s all just the surface of what went on.